My struggle with porn and masturbation- Anonymous

I couldn’t hold my tears while reading this story by one of you guys. I’m truly grateful to this lady for having the courage to share. She prefers to remain anonymous. Be blessed as you read.

It all began on that staircase!

I grew up pretty well. I was a happy kid, always playful and adventurous. Life was good. I didn’t know much about sex. All I knew was that it was wrong and it could get one pregnant, so I feared it because I feared getting pregnant LOL.

One afternoon, at the tender age of seven, while playing with my friends a certain guy called me. I knew him. He was a teenager who had a bad reputation. He would be seen with girls, partying every weekend, caught in notorious activities etc. I feared him but for some reason when he called, I went. I felt afraid but I still went. The guy then sat on the stairs; we lived in flats at that time, sat me between his legs, and then did the unimaginable. He slipped his hands inside my dress and started touching my genitals. I remember feeling that what he was doing was wrong, but somehow I couldn’t stand up and confront him. This went on for ten minutes or so, and then he let me go.

I went back to play, but I knew something in me had changed.

I didn’t tell anyone about the incident not even my parents but he awakened sexual desires in me and somehow I began longing to satisfy those feelings. Since I knew boys were a no-go zone, I began masturbating to satisfy those desires.

As time went on I continued masturbating. I’d feel good while doing it but once I was done, I’d feel horrible. The urges would come, disappear for some time and then re-emerge again.

This continued all the way through high school. I’d pray and try to stop but every time I’d feel sad or burdened I’d turn to masturbation. It made me die a little inside. I’d feel my spirit grieve inside and every time I’d listen to a sermon on masturbation being linked to sexual demons (incubus and succubus) I’d feel more hopeless.

Fast forward to after high school, I got introduced to porn. I remember I was looking for a site to download music then a certain friend of mine suggested a certain site. As I was checking the site I stumbled upon some videos and curiously I clicked open and alas,I t was porn! It didn’t really move me but I didn’t realize I had opened another doorway for the devil. So every time I’d masturbate, I’d go to that site and download the videos because they fueled my sexual desires but afterwards I’d feel so broken inside. I’d run away from God and feel as though I’m not worthy to be alive or that God was disappointed in me being that I was saved, and still addicted to sin

I had talked to a few friends about it, but somehow I’d still find myself doing it. Even in campus while serving God in ministry I’d still find myself watching porn. To add to these, I remember I was involved in relationships and situation-ships that defiled my body as the temple of God. I’d make out often, flirt without boundaries but despite me not having sex still I’d feel really disgusted and ashamed of myself. Contrary to the norm, sex isn’t penetration but unfortunately the devil has managed to deceive many that they can get away with everything as long as there’s no penetration.

Sex is a package. I remember a pastor at my high school once said this. It begins in the mind first. Jesus said when you look at a man or woman lustfully you’ve already committed adultery with her in your heart. That’s how serious it gets. Sex is everything that arouses your sexual desires whether it’s that explicit movie, or staring at that hot guy walking shirtless, to the touching and petting.

I love the Lord because in Him there’s hope. I remember this year on my birthday I made a purity decision. I felt it so heavy in my heart. Before my birthday I usually write a few things I want God to do for me or vice versa for the New Year. So this year purity was really pressed in my spirit. I received confirmations about it and I was certain it was God who put that in me. But boy oh boy, the temptations that came after, from crushes to me being in compromising situations with guys. But I remember I promised myself I would not defile myself. Does this mean that I didn’t fall. No actually a few months after I still masturbated and downloaded porn. But I didn’t allow myself to remain guilty about it.

After I did it, I shared it with one of my church friends who really encouraged me and prayed for me. I felt the burden to confess and God led me to confess it to them. One of the few things I did that really helped me, and I now see the difference was talking to God about it. Confessing it! I had to learn how to do it.. It was hard because sin makes you run away from God, but it’s in the very presence of God that we find healing, restoration and deliverance. I had to come to Him and believe that He loves me despite it and that and it’s his desire that I get delivered.

Secondly, I had to talk to God whenever I felt lonely, sad or turned on. I believe God gave us feelings to make us real and sometimes we really deny our feelings LOL or try to kill our fleshly desires hehe. It’s normal to see a guy or a girl and feel sexually attracted to them. However it’s important that we tell God about how we feel in detail because if we don’t we may end up in lust, fornication or adultery. Tell God how you feel in detail and God is faithful. Every time I’ve been doing this, God just brings up something to distract me or he takes the feelings away. Before, I’d end up downloading porn or masturbation.

Also, have an accountability partner(s), people who you’re willing to be real with. It’s important that the accountability partner be saved and mature so that they may advice, rebuke you in love and guide you. Sometimes we just need someone to tell it like it is, to bring sanity to us because at times we’re easily carried away by our emotions and feelings

Lastly it’s important to pray, rely on God. God is the only 100% sure help. He’s always there (Psalms 46:1)An ever present help. Apart from this its important to F.L.E.E. Run and avoid compromising situations. You can’t trust your hormones. Avoid flirting or suggestive talks, visiting the opposite sex at odd hours, tight hugs or wanting touches. Avoid every appearance of evil. The devil is very evil and cunning. He knows your weaknesses and he intends to capitalize on them. You also know what makes you vulnerable. Don’t wait till you’re trapped. Run like Joseph!!

Finally, be patient with yourself and love yourself. You can only do this if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ. He is our ready help. The more you get to know him, the less appealing sin gets and you’ll start loving what He loves and hating what He hates. Maybe you’re thinking you’ve messed up and it’s probably too late.

Hear it from me who’s been a mess for the longest time- It’s never late! There’s plenty of hope in Jesus Christ.

He loves you and above everything He wants you to be free and to enjoy your life more so with Him. Go to Him as you are, confess to Him your weaknesses, desires anything, rely on Him and trust in Him. There’s nothing too difficult for him.

In God all things are possible (Luke 1:37)