Confessions Of A Church Girl

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I sat on the brown wooden bench day after day, week after week, month after month and it was always the same. A cycle of being buried in so many things as the life in me got sucked out slowly. I spent my days attending one meeting after the other in the name of serving God but at the end of the day, I’d get up on my bed and cry myself to sleep. For despite everything I did, I was left feeling hollow, tired and empty.

Service had become the center of my life. It was all I did. It was who I’d become. I remember joining campus with a hunger for God. I loved Him and all I wanted to do was to be with Him and please Him but somewhere along the way, I took a small detour. I mixed up a few things. What was once a love relation turned into an obligation. Instead of walking with Him, I started working for Him. I filled my days with an itinerary of church activities. On Monday I was leading  evening prayers in church. Tuesday I was attending a meeting for bible study leaders. Wednesday I was leading the bible study. Thursday I was attending a meeting for praise and worship members. Friday was leaders meeting. Saturday was practice for the Sunday service, and on Sunday, well, let’s just say that Sunday was the day I would go all out in putting on the perfect fake smile and the ‘I’m happy in the Lord’ face for people. Not forgetting the insecurities I was battling with. On the outside, everything seemed great and people praised me. I was playing by the rules. The good church girl serving with diligence, always on time and present for every meeting, fellowship, seminar, you name it. But deep inside I was suffocating. I felt like I was in a cage whose door was open but I couldn’t get out. It reached a point where I wished I was an unbeliever. They appeared to be free and happy, which is paradoxical because in Christ is where true freedom is. I guess I was a free prisoner.

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Service was choking my life and  my intimacy with God and even when I did pray or read the word I did it because I had to.Many are the times the thought of stepping down would cross my mind but I would brush it off with a ‘What will people say or think’ question. I was afraid that God would be upset as well. My turning point came when one day I took my bible and opened Luke 10:38-42, a story about two sisters called Martha and Mary. Jesus had visited them and Mary was sitting at the feet of Jesus listening to His beautiful, life-giving words while Martha, was distracted and busy serving. Out of frustration she went to Jesus and said ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to help me. ‘Martha, Martha,’ Jesus answered. ‘You are worried and upset about many things but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken from her.

That was my ‘light bulb’ moment. I too had become like Martha . Drowned in service and frustrated by it but holding on for I was too afraid of what people would think. To cut the story short, I relinquished every leadership title I had when I resumed school this year. I took a bold step of stepping off the throne and letting God lead and direct me. Please note however that I’m not implying that service to God is wrong or everyone you see in church serving is faking it. Service is great. But I have learnt that it should be out an overflow of your intimate relationship with God. It should never be done because so and so says you fit best in ushering or praise team or wherever. It should be as He instructs. Psalms 32:8a, I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. He places each of us in the area that befits us. For some it’s preaching, poetry or music. For others it’s through the career path He’s placed us at. Be it teaching, medicine, writing, engineering or journalism; wherever He’s placed you is the platform to serve Him from and shine the light that He’s put in you. And as you walk with Him He’ll direct you on how to serve Him.

 

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I don’t have it all figured out though. I’m just penning down my thoughts and experiences with the hope that someone will learn something and evade some of the land mines I’ve stepped on. Let God be first in your life my dear. And whichever move He tells you to take, no matter how crazy it might seem, take it. Stepping down from mainstream service was a hard thing for me to do. One that was, and still is, met by a lot of condemnation from people, but it’s one I don’t regret. The peace and freedom that I’m experiencing as He leads and holds my hand is priceless. Your walk with God is what matters most, and His voice should be the only one that you hearken to.

 

 

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79 thoughts on “Confessions Of A Church Girl

  1. Ivy, continue to be blessed as you bless others with your story.
    Similarly, I wrote an empowering tale to warn students about becoming groomed in the UK. Can you help me raise awareness to vulnerable girls, please?The book called ‘What If I Go?’ can be downloaded cheaply. While it is fiction there is hope from restoration that only God can provide. See http://amzn.to/2n4JIud
    Thanks so much, happy Easter! Best wishes, Polly

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  2. HI ivy how is the going am Linda I know you all the way from Chania girls great writing and very inspiring how can get to know what books you have?

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  3. A free prisoner..so true.. I can relate to that.
    Feeling, decisions and callings are three different things people need to think through. Always.

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  4. Hello Ivy.I pray you are well.Reading your story has reminded me of my own.I too was at such a place and at the end of 2014 i stepped down from all positions i held in church.The biggest pressure was in dealing with what people would say.Sometimes people don’t understand what is going on within you.At end of the day God knows our hearts and we remain answerable to Him alone.God bless You sister.

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  5. When you talk of baby steps i feel that is so much of an understatement… My dear you have a gift and i so love the fact that it is God inspired. May the Good Lord strenthen you and keep you… Am so honored and wowed… Be blessed. A touched soul

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  6. Great piece. A moment of resolution and break from church involvement cures burn out. the christian walk and life is a journey abd not a sprint tobe completed hurriedly.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. The lost art of wearing your heart on your sleeve, a very honest post.

    Thank you for showing we are mere humans and Christ is the only hero in his Church.

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  8. Awesome piece you have delivered many going through the same situation. What I see here is being true to self and always seeking God on purpose .Total Spiritual maturity. May God bless you

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      1. I bless God for u.. U are a powerful minister of His word.. I like how he has used you even on this platform.. Be real to Him He will be real to you… I love the work done here ..

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  9. Bless the Lord oh my soul and do not forget His benefits….Psalms 103:1-5. That’s my reaction to to what God is doing through you dear. Now I understand more Gods word to you that new year day family Kesha n supportive word that He is doing a new thing and we will sing a new song. Ref. Rev. 21:5,Isaiah 43:18. and Psalms 149::1. Keep up it up dear .

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  10. wow that’s great n probably hardly addressed.. I have had a similar experience and I agree one really feels hollow and empty @ some point.But you nailed it…that “service should be an outflow of your intimate relationship with Him”.

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  11. That’s a good land mine you’ve stepped on, for the sake of other brethren. I believe free prisoners are many due to the fear of how will I look, and even self condemnation, and end up missing out on enjoying being at Gods feet. Mary in my opinion must have been serving too but she did enjoy CHrist feet and that couldn’t be taken away from her. Thank you

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  12. Wow!! I’m amazed by the wonderful lesson that the Lord has taught you! Very many fall in that pit of endless service without enough time to rejuvenate themselves by drinking upon the source of living water who is Christ… May you continually seek Him, and may He continue to direct your paths! God bless you, and looking forward to seeing you soon.

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  13. I donno but I feel you are in the right place , I feel this is what you are supposed to be doing I mean this the Ivy that is Ivy , ha ha reading that makes me feel like im listening to your heart speak and thats from The Lord God bless you Ivy without a doubt I have an inner sensation that through this God will reach many out there , I also feel inspired I just want to do poetry like crazy. I also love this its stood out for me Service is great. But I
    have learnt that it should be out an overflow
    of your intimate relationship with God.

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  14. awesome piece… I have read lots of blog stories but this is more than just a story, a testimony that’s well articulated. Freedom in Christ!

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  15. So true,God is not looking for people to work FOR Him but WITH Him.i.e,as you put it,to walk with Him.quite awakening,great job!

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  16. “I guess I was a free prisoner”….. ” from walking with God to working for God “…. Hehe… For me those two really stood out and spoke to what is so dear me… True freedom in Christ Jesus. Brilliant piece that resonates with what is relevant to the modern day christian. Kudos my dear. You were born to affect the masses through writing. Keep on doing this. God bless

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  17. Wow, this is awesome. Many go through it but the few willing to admit it are the few who finally find freedom. Ati a free prisoner, hehe. So describes many of us. Amazing Ivy, and you such a story teller. Beautiful also how God makes everything work out for good. Your experience was one you wish you never had, but how it’s helpful now to many and to yourself makes it a worthy struggle to have gone through. Keep going sis, even if we all should fall somewhere along the way, don’t you stop

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  18. Wow! I like the way you chose your title,very attractive indeed.
    Hehe. I expected to see a lady standing in front of the church and confess something malice she did to a fellow human. Anyway that’s how journalists choose their words to make sure the audience have a look.
    “From walking with Him to working for him” is a statement that really made me smile.

    Wonderful piece. Keep writing

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  19. When one touches on issues tied to spiritual life I feel elated and at peace. Ivy I must say that your blog is really awakening and rejuvenating on retarding spiritual growth. I love it.

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